I have a lot of followers on Twitter, over 120000 now, and most seem to enjoy the random nonsense I post on there, often saying I should make a book out of the seemingly humorous postings in less than 140 characters, but that’s not me. I do it as a release, as a way of firing my brain in a way much like an athlete will stretch in order to warm up their muscles. If I can get my imagination warmed up while entertaining and attracting people it’s a double-win. Below is a list of some of my Tweets which I’ll update from time to time. It’s far from a full list, but will do for the time being. I hope you enjoy my nonsense.

 

• There are no guarantees in life, apart from the ones on knives, especially really awesome ones that cut through cars. Yeah.

 

• It’s not ego if you really are incredible.

 

• Maybe the hole in the ozone layer is merely the beginning of an awesome donut.

 

• Some people think I’m brilliant, but I reckon it’s just accelerated stupidity.

 

• I like to quote stuff that hasn’t been said before.

 

• I like to give myself the silent treatment.

 

• For all the awesomeness they bring, you’d think testicles would look a bit prettier.

 

• Dear God, please grant me the strength not to offend anyone…. Aw, who am I kidding? Testicles.

 

• Just remember to breathe… you know, always.

 

• Just because I don’t remember doesn’t mean I forgot.

 

• Dear wanna-be gangstas. Please stop. Go squeeze a pimple or something.

 

• I jumped on the bandwagon and got hit in the face with a xylophone.

 

• Everyone is entitled to an opinion, yours is just stupid.

 

• Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Edible hair gel? No? Hmm. You must be a Commie.

 

• We can all learn something from the roadrunner. Yep. I said it.

 

• A more effective riot control device against males would be a tampon-firing gun.

 

• Beware of getting your whiskey spiked with alcohol. It’s happening more and more each day.

 

• Sooner or later you have to accept that smell is coming from you.

 

• Real men don’t wear mauve… or even know what it is… whatever it is.

 

• Yaay, Luke Skywalker. Mass murderer, killed thousands on the Death Star and then made out with his sister. Yaay!

 

• Excuse me, I never realized you were a son of a bitch.

 

• Look at the positive side, the restaurant might be full of cockroaches simply because their food is irresistible.

 

• McDonald’s is expanding to owning brothels. They’re starting out with a controversial McGonorrhea deal.

 

• There is a foolproof plan to attract the person of your dreams. Kill everyone else on the planet.

 

• Where do they drill for fish oil?

 

• Don’t be fooled when they say something will melt in your mouth. Frozen urine will do that too.

 

• The truth hurts, but not as much as the truth combined with electrodes on your testicles. So look at the bright side.

 

• What’s so good about sunsets? It’s not like they cure herpes or anything.

 

• Volcanoes hate you. Sorry to be the one to say it.

 

• Beware of Jawas. You know Jawas, right? No? Seriously? Highest grossing movie ring a bell? Damn. OK, Bye.

 

• I don’t break promises, I just lie.

 

• Dear fitness equipment advertisers, please invest in decent Photoshop for before & after pics, don’t just stretch it to make them fatter.

 

• Every time I watch Pulp Fiction I have the hardest time restraining myself from stabbing someone with a cardiac syringe.

 

• Everything explodes in movies. Look out for tacos.

 

• How can it be “only” a flesh wound? It’s still a hole in your flesh. Those things don’t tickle.

 

• The problem with word of mouth is all the dribble.

 

• Who thought up the name for a tie? Pretty lazy-ass name if you ask me.

 

• Yeah! Congratulations! You’re fantastic! I love you! Get over it! WooHoo! That’s incredible!

 

• That’s not a motorbike, it’s a sewing machine. Get off before you rev it and stitch your toes together.

 

• I can still hear things with my eyes closed, I must be some kind of superhero.

 

• Shopping with my wife is awesome, I get all the cardio exercise I need while looking at every single item ever created.

 

• Just because you’re not normal doesn’t mean you can’t do normal stuff… like bungee jumping from a kitchen table.

 

• Gotta go. Beware of gerbils blah blah blah Donald Trump.

 

• In today’s uber-sensitive world he would have been forced to call it “Moby Penis”.

 

• Living well is the best revenge… and an acid bath… with robotic piranhas.

 

• Beware of the cry-fart, it totally ruins the moment.

 

• Today is a good day to dye.

 

• Your goldfish is taking naked photos of you and posting them on the internet. Just thought you should know.

 

• I might not be right all the time, but at least I’m never wrong.

 

• Peterpiperpickedapeckofpickledpenispeppers.

 

• Beware of narcoleptic stalkers. They tend to drown after falling asleep sniffing your toilet.

 

• A man will chew off his grandmother’s head for a glimpse of a decent sideboob.

 

• Some people call them genitals, others call them trouble makers.

 

• Workworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkprostituteworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkwork

 

• I am not a Muppet, my mother had me tested.

 

• Famous last words: Go ahead, I dare you.

 

• Ever felt the need to wear my random crap on a shirt? Well now you can: http://t.co/5uu4cjB

 

• Leave it to me, and by ‘it’ I mean nothing.

 

• It’s all the one-armed man’s fault. Serves him right for thinking that lion was a Muppet.

 

• It’s hard to take a stand when someone breaks your legs with a baseball bat.

 

• Beware of cleaning your mouse when logged into the internet. Two clicks and you might have bought a mail-order-bride.

 

• What do scumbags use to carry stuff around in?

 

• Where would we be without electric guitars and drums? It’s pretty hard to head bang to cello music.

 

• What did people use to dry themselves before towels? Dirt?

 

• People ask me if I miss hair. I ask them if they miss brains.

 

• Anyone can be a hero, just avoid what is easy and do what is right.

 

• The world is changing, but not in an Optimus Prime kinda way.

 

• Apparently there’s a campaign to get Bert and Ernie married. Welcome to dumb.

 

• Some women take my breath away, but only if I pay them extra.

 

• My car is not environmentally friendly. It’s made out of logs and runs on Greenpeace supporters.

 

• Everything is real until proven otherwise… at least in my head.

 

• Is it still abduction if you force the aliens to take you?

 

• As we stare into each other’s eyes, I begin to wonder who is watching the road while you drive the bus.

 

• #BLACKLISTED is coming! Read an excerpt here: http://t.co/BR9Rq34

 

• Look in the mirror. You rock.

 

• Is it wrong to want to swim in lava?

 

• I had a heart-to-heart conversation with someone. Getting them past the ribs was the hardest thing. Made a mess too.

 

• Beware of grudges, they make you grow bad hair and try to kill Sarah Michelle Geller.

 

• Don’t use innuendo with idiots, use a bazooka of obvious.

 

• Ladybugs are just cockroaches in drag.

 

• Bulimia rarely involves bulls. Stupid English.

 

• I just saw a recent photo of Michael Moore. Is that dude eating conspiracies now?

 

• People ask me why I’m a thug, so I punch them.

 

• Yeah! Sucker Punch! Yeah! Weird crap that looks awesome! Yeah! My brain hurts! Yeah!

 

• Facobook’s ‘Like’ button is the ultimate way to say you really couldn’t be bothered.

 

• Beware of running out of smart.

 

• Things would be much cooler if we all traveled in zeppelins. You know, apart from the crashing and horrible burning part.

 

• Gotta go. Beware of rhinocerosses… rhinocerosss… rhinoceroseroseres…. Bugger it, beware of cats.

 

• Today is the first day of the rest of your life… especially if you’ve just been born.

 

• I am world champion at lying about being world champion.

 

• The road less traveled leads to a neighborhood less survivable.

 

• Things would be so much better if sidewalks were made out of trampolines.

 

• Stab me once, shame on you. Stab me twice, shame on me. Stab me three times, call the paramedics.

 

• Be careful yelling “We’re going down!” when visiting the mile-high club. People on the plane might get the wrong idea.

 

• I come from a discontinued product line.

 

• I like to high five buttocks.

 

• It’s not always appropriate to make bear noises in church.

 

• Never let your boss see you cry, it only makes it stronger.

 

• It’s never polite to tazer your hosts… unless it’s that kind of party.

 

• It’s not a headache, it’s a brain mutiny.

 

• Sorry about that, I meant to grab my own boobs and I grabbed yours by mistake.

 

• I promise not to judge your political views if you promise not to judge my collection of dead people who talk about politics.

 

• Those herbs and spices are secret for a reason, if you know what I mean.

 

• Hi ho, hi ho… at least that’s what she looked like.

 

• Sorry, I was momentarily serious. Um… penis.

 

• Wow. With trending topics like “Who gon stop me” it’s little shock kids can’t spell or use grammar for crap these days. Way to go.

 

• Whale song is easy so long as you know the words.

 

• 10 seconds until impact…. Actually, it would take longer than 10 seconds to read that, so you’re screwed.

 

• When tomorrow comes it’ll be today, so we will never actually meet tomorrow, and yesterday is ash. Focus on today.

 

• Things would have been different if Conan hadn’t lost the Barbarian election.

 

• Ice cream is not designed to work as a replacement for sex. Sorry about that.

 

• And then dumb entered the room….

 

• “Paper or plastic?” is never good a statement when it refers to condoms.

 

• I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the sound of not giving a crap.

 

• Sometimes you need to leap before you look, but not when trains are involved.

 

• Yep, uh huh, okay, righto, for sure, boobs, uh huh, okay, I understand, so sorry, absolutely, of course.

 

• I’m not tired, I’m just testing my ability to see through my eyelids.

 

• The world is changing, it’s becoming squarer.

 

• I spy with my little eye something beginning with shut up.

 

• Big Bird will be the next to fall to the evils of crack. Mark my words.

 

• Maybe the crazy people are right, maybe the world really is an illusion brought about from too many chemicals in the water. If so, eat up!

 

• Lightning never strikes twice, but herpes ain’t lightning.

 

• I spy with my little eye something beginning with sex. Pregnancy.

 

• I prefer to play rock, paper, scissors, Soviet out-of-date thermonuclear missile.

 

• When in doubt, tell people you’re a reindeer looking for Santa.

 

• It’s not kissing, I’m just hugging with my tongue.

 

• Since shouting GERONIMO is racially insensitive and TIMBER is non-environmentally friendly, it must all be gravity’s fault.

 

• Eating your greens does not include moldy bread.

 

• Apparently the end of the world is coming. Would you like fries with that?

 

• Some people simply can’t accept responsibility; they blame the mirror for looking so ugly.

 

• If only they could give cancer cancer.

 

• The truth of the matter is usually a lie… unless the lie is actually that it’s a lie in which case it’s the truth.

 

• On my signal, unleash hell… but do it nicely.

 

• If you make a shadow puppet using a real puppet does the universe implode?

 

• At least the ground is always there to break your fall.

 

• If you lost both arms in a horrible industrial accident and you know it, clap your hands….

 

• Things could be worse, your shadow could be ignoring you too.

 

• I could really go a Scooby snack right about now….

 

• I went swimming with the dolphins… at least that’s what I told the judge.

 

• Yaaaaay! Colonoscopy! … Hang on, that’s a type of lap-dance, right?

 

• I’m not crying, my eyeballs are just melting due to global warming.

 

• Ebay is awesome for buying crap you would never waste money on is a store.

 

• I don’t kiss and tell, but I won’t shut up about the sex.

 

• Computers are great. I feel so much better after throwing one out a window.

 

• It’s all the fault of the chimpanzees and their poo flinging.

 

 

• Remain calm. Smash something.

 

• Chainsaws can seriously stunt your growth.

 

• One of your future neighbors might be responsible for testing comfort levels of body bags. Be sure to lock your doors.

 

• I might be a moody bastard but you can go to Hell… even though you’re wonderful… but I hate you.

 

• My GPS told me to get out of the car because it was having a bad day. Last time I choose the female personality.

 

• Some people have an opinion on everything. They’re called idiots.

 

• Mimes are awesome, but only when using them as war field sandbags.

 

• It’s spelled GQ because the models can’t spell beyond that.

 

• Beware of Frisbees made out of razor blades.

 

• I had no idea what to do when the shark bit off my legs; I was completely stumped.

 

• Chicken nuggets come from really big roosters wanting a sex change.

 

• Crazy people get the whole back seat of the bus to themselves.

 

• “It’s all good” is a phrase most used when things are really screwed up.

 

• Do billionaires still get excited when they find a dollar in the couch cushions?

 

• My life would be so much better if I knew… stuff.

 

• My neighbor’s kid wrote the book on sandpit warfare. Unfortunately it was written in crayon in a language only he understood.

 

• You know you’re a hopeless fighter when Bruce Lee would kick your ass… now.

 

• Blame it on the dog… unless we’re talking about thermonuclear warfare.

 

• Everything seems better with 80s theme music. I’m pretty sure that’s how the Iraq war got approved.

 

• You know it was a good party when you wake up wearing a helicopter.

 

• When sleeping on the couch try not to think about the fact your face is lying upon the spot where someone usually parks their butt.

 

• Some people are sore losers, but then again most of these are assholes when they win too.

 

• Have I told you lately that I love you? No? Good, that means I haven’t fallen off the wagon.

 

• My friend hired a prostitute and asked for the girlfriend experience. She told him to get out and she never wanted to see him again.

 

• There can be only one… except for all the sequels and spin-offs.

 

• When you’ve given it everything you’ve got, when there is absolutely nothing left inside and you fear you can’t go on, you’re halfway there.

 

• Good grammar has went.

 

• The battle of the sexes gets more confusing with the birth of each new metrosexual vampire movie.

 

• If you don’t know what it’s for, don’t touch it. But enough about prostitutes….

 

• I still can’t tell whether or not I’m confused.

 

• If love is a battlefield, boobs are the grenades.

 

• Someone told me to snap to it, so I broke his arm.

 

• Charades are much easier when they come with subtitles.

 

• I threw my back out tossing a salad. Now be sure not to hurt yourself dragging your mind out of the gutter.

 

• Insane people feel sorry for the rest of us.

 

• There is no I in team, but there’s two in idiot… oh, wait.

 

• I wonder if identical twins feel alike to blind people.

 

• It’s called an AK-47 because if it was referred to as a hyptahaelapotamolotudical most users wouldn’t be able to spell it.

 

• How come it seems so predictable when people say you should expect the unexpected?

 

• An exercise bike is not what they’re referring to when people talk about a ‘vicious cycle’, though at times it could.

 

• Google’s most important function is to aid men in figuring out what the hell we’re already supposed to know according to women.

 

• If it makes you feel any better, chances are someone you find incredibly attractive will also read this Tweet.

 

• Time’s up. Buy a better watch next time.

 

• Damn you, Spandex. Damn you to Hell.

 

• If Mother Earth was a person, would that make us the fleas?

 

• There is no technical support for stupidity.

 

• I’m not conceited; I know exactly how good I am at knowing how good I am.

 

• Chickens in spandex are the next wave of demonic plagues to befall the Earth.

 

• I can multi-task just fine… as long as it’s only one thing at a time.

 

• Don’t be afraid of the dark; the fact we’re stuck on a ball in the middle of it hurtling around a sphere of flame is much more terrifying.

 

• Set phasers to dumb.

 

• Enough is enough except when enough is not enough in which case too much enough would be enough.

 

• Bread is just raw toast.

 

• By the way, her name is Aretha Franklin, not Urethra Franklin.

 

• Aim for a high-resolution IQ.

 

• Mary had a little lamb and washed it down with a nice bottle of Heineken.

 

• And then, when you least expect it, you realize you’re nothing more than a fat idiot….

 

• Some people call it a labyrinth, others call it an alleyway on crack.

 

• Nothing in life is perfect, except the word perfect, but even that isn’t perfect, except for its spelling, unless you misspell it.

 

• Everything you want is illusion, all you see is fantasy, it’s all a delusion brought about by too much Kardashians.

 

• Don’t refer to it as getting older; call it getting experienced at awesomeness.

 

• Try not to confuse ‘marinara’ and ‘marijuana’. Especially when cooking for grandma.

 

• I like to think of myself as perfectly imperfect.

 

• Some religions promise a sequel to life.

 

• It just kills me to kill you….

 

• I’ve come to the conclusion that Snooki is a shaved Ewok with an eating disorder.

 

• T-shirts are useless biohazard suits.

 

• Don’t get confused on escalators, it can be lethal.

 

• Seek help when you find any of the Transformers sexually attractive.

 

• It’s now impossible to watch Two & A Half Men without wondering which episode made Charlie Sheen crack.

 

• Your inability to commit may result in commitment to inability or inability to inability or commitment to being committed.

 

• What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. So Superman must have had a real screwed up childhood, huh?

 

• I would try to see things from your point of view, but it’d be impossible for both our heads to fit up your ass.

 

• Sleep-jogging would be an awesome way to exercise.

 

• Blowing things up always helps with sexual dysfunction. That’s why nerdy politicians are in charge of the biggest bombs.

 

• Ladies, just in case you were unsure, men have no idea what you’re thinking. Please spell it out… clearly.

 

• At what point during their studying do proctologists realize they want to spend their lives looking up people’s butts?

 

• Showing great potential is a nice way of saying you can’t do much.

 

• Proving life should never be taken too seriously: Old People

 

• Things can get hard in a relationship, and if not you can take medication to make it hard.

 

• Masochistic chickens get off watching cooking programs.

 

• Customer service means something else altogether when talking about prostitution.

 

• Imagine if the pyramids had been cubes….

 

• Just when you think your problems are bad, reality steps in to give you a colonoscopy.

 

• Stupid is such an ugly word… but often the correct one.

 

• I think I sprained my awesome.

 

• Buttering people up is an awesome way to prepare them for a roasting.

 

• They call it ‘falling’ in love because it often hurts and leaves a mess.

 

• Rebound sex really shouldn’t involve basketballs.

 

• If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with… except you, Mr. Schwarzenegger.

 

• Don’t sell your soul, especially not on Ebay.

 

• Transvestites…. More than meets the eye.

 

• Plastic surgery addicts who follow Buddhism aren’t reincarnated, they’re recycled.

 

• Liposuction can turn a spare tire into a flat tire.

 

• Some people have a special connection. Others have a special disconnection. They’re called psychopaths.

 

• When choosing colors for the baby’s room, try to avoid, ‘arterial red’… unless you’re hoping to raise the Antichrist.

 

• If you find a pube in your food, just close your eyes and pray it was somehow yours… somehow.

 

• Beware of Crouching Tiger, Spanking Monkey.

 

• Just got asked to speak before a local writing group. Gotta try not to pee my pants.

 

• Don’t make out with Daleks, they tend to take it personally when you end things.

 

• Practice makes perfect… but you still need to stop doing that.

 

• From what I’ve learned in movies, people are safe so long as creepy background music isn’t playing… right?

 

• Crazy people are no laughing matter… unless they tell really, really good jokes.

 

• Thank goodness they flood morning TV with funeral insurance ads. Best way to start the day is to think about dying.

 

• Be careful not to get a boner whenever threading a needle.

 

• The wedding march is played slow so the groom has time to run.

 

• You know you grew up poor if your Rubik’s Cube was a tennis ball.

 

• Amputations services tend to charge an arm and a leg.

 

• Thank goodness the Kardashians have another TV season to show us all how low that bottom of the barrel really is.

 

• Rock beats everything in rock, paper, scissors; it’s just that political correctness demands equality.

 

• Life sucks when you get a rock as a tax refund.

 

• Teddy bears molest your dolls. Why else do you think they wear no pants?

 

• You know you really feel foul when you start clucking like a chicken… or that might be feeling ‘fowl’.

 

• Castration can be accomplished with a simple ring – a wedding ring.

 

• Dinosaurs got boners too. That was possibly the most terrifying thing about the T-Rex.

 

• Chin-ups are easier if you’re dangling above lava.

 

• Don’t trust flea bombs that tick.

 

• Don’t judge yourself too harshly, the world will do that for you.

 

• Guys are there to make decisions. Wives are there to override those decisions.

 

• Your stuffed animals are judging your sex life.

 

• Someone laughing their butt off would be a great way to lose weight, but only when laughing their gut and chunky thighs off too.

 

• I live in constant dread of the day they decide to make a movie based on the Monopoly board game.

 

• Skip to a rainbow. It’s the easiest way to fool the leprechaun so you can kick the crap out of him and steal his gold.

 

• If anyone asks, I’m full of it… awesomeness I mean.

 

• Never trust a cat who knows how to use duct tape.

 

• I’m always the first one to remember to forget.

 

• The easiest way to stun someone with an outfit is to make it electrified.

 

• In case you were wondering, I’m not Iron Man.

 

• The main problem with going to work is having to work.

 

• We can do this the easy way or the hard way. Not that I’m saying you’re easy or anything….

 

• My smoke alarm slaps me and tells me to stop burning toast.

 

• It’s okay to put the cart before the horse if it can moonwalk.

 

• You can get my bestselling novel in #paperback or #ebook all around the world: lukeromyn.com/purchase

 

• Excuse me while I kiss the sky.

 

• Headphones have nothing to do with phone sex.

 

• Being part of Weight Watchers doesn’t mean you just sit around eating pizza and watch the weight go on.

 

• “You might feel a little prick” aren’t the words a girl wants to hear on a first date.

 

• Nutjobs aren’t what they sound like.

 

• If it’s the last thing you ever do make sure it’s not the last thing you ever do.

 

• My to-do list doesn’t include you today. Sorry.

 

• Your garden gnomes pee on your petunias when you’re not looking.

 

• Stop hugging trees, you make them uncomfortable.

 

• Don’t synchronize your feet.

 

• The secret to a happy relationship is to not listen to advice about what the secret to a happy relationship is.

 

• As God is my witness… I am in so much trouble.

 

• Remember not to trust strangers, especially if they’re disguised as lap-dancing polar bears.

 

• All roads lead to Rome… except the one that goes through the McDonald’s drive-thru.

 

• There’s good news and bad news. The bad news is you’re going to be left curious about this Tweet.

 

• Even Freud would be embarrassed about that thing you do with the thing.

 

• There is no speed limit on dumb.

 

• Try not to choose a competitive sport where you use your face as a brake.

 

• A real man is never afraid to hide from his wife when he screws up.

 

• Please RT a very serious post about #Autism on my blog. http://bit.ly/jOOkxI

 

• Bisexuality is there for those who just want to please everyone.

 

• One day there will be a protection group for germs.

 

• Sometimes there are no logical solutions. That’s why guns were invented.

 

• Sometimes your heart leaps when you see a certain person. Avoid them if you take cardiac medication.

 

• I got lost on my way to buy a map.

 

• Some people make bikinis cry.

 

• Just so you know, your pet cat would definitely eat you if it could. Sleep well.

 

• Darth Vader must have hated emergency pees.

 

• Chastity belts really didn’t cover all the bases, if you know what I mean.

 

• I’m pretty sure I could walk on water if lava was chasing me.

 

• I’d love to sit in on Tom Cruise and Charlie Sheen having a conversation.

 

• The best way to have sex on the hood of a car is to first make sure it isn’t yours.

 

• My x-ray vision only works on naked people, but it can’t get past skin depth.

 

• Some people think I’m a genius. Granted most of them are idiots, but still….

 

• Penguins cry when you throw your cigarette butts in the ocean… well, not really, but if I said they did nothing it’d be dumb.

 

• Gotta go. Try to avoid any Biblical plagues wherever possible, but if that’s not possible remember to stop, drop and roll.

 

• Think you writing career sucks? Someone, somewhere, is right now writing a script for a porno. Your career rocks.

 

• Sunday, Blahday, Crapday, Humpday, Closeday, Yayday, Hangoverday, Sunday, Blahday, Crapday….

 

• My flower rental business didn’t work out too well.

 

• Men don’t cry at movies unless it’s about the two hours of their life they’ve just lost.

 

• Money can’t buy everything. Donald trump’s hair can attest to that.

 

• Don’t take life too seriously, that’s what deathbeds are for.

 

• Feel free to wait for your dreams to come to you. You can think up all the excuses you’ll use for not making it while you wait.

 

• When in doubt, Bohemian Rhapsody.

 

• War would make a lot more sense if everyone had to use pillows.

 

• We all have something inside yearning to escape. Hopefully it’s not an alien life form.

 

• Note to self: stop peeing pants.

 

• Fashion is clothing made complicated.

 

• The doctor asked me to pee in a cup. He never said not to use his coffee cup.

 

• I did the salsa. After that it tasted terrible.

 

• Beware when the catch of the day meows.

 

• Get my bestselling horror novel in Print or eBook all around the world: lukeromyn.com/purchase

 

• Knowledge is power, power is strength, strength is body, body is mind, mind is knowledge.

 

• I set the world on fire and painted the town red. Man did I get in trouble for that.

 

• Darth Vader never had these problems.

 

• Always strive to be good at something, even if it’s just at being bad.

 

• That’s right, open the door to investigate that sound, almost nothing bad ever happens in the movies.

 

• Life is a test of strength. Laughter is a test of bladder.

 

• Bad dreams are just your mind’s way of telling you it thinks you’re an asshole.

 

• Don’t give people a piece of your mind, there’s so little to spare.

 

• I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name. Bastard never came when I called him.

 

• I used Proactiv and my head disappeared.

 

• When the doctor tells me to drop my pants, I like to yell, “TA DAAAA!!!”

 

• My goal in life is to never be used as the ‘before’ picture.

 

• One can never have too many hats; they cover the lobotomy scars perfectly.

 

• People say to use your indoor voice, but I do all my yelling indoors.

 

• In a rare case of species crossover, scientists have discovered that sex-kittens possess the ability to turn into bitches.

 

• Recent studies of chimpanzees in the deepest Amazonian rainforests reveal they don’t like the Kardashians either.

 

• Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Nudeday, Sunday.

 

• Face your fears… unless it’s really hairy… and smelly… and has tentacles and stuff.

 

• I like doing sit-ups, but only when reaching for KFC.

 

• The world hates a quitter… unless it involves heroin, of course.

 

• Don’t get upset if you receive the silent treatment from mimes.

 

• One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever know. It must smell really bad or something.

 

• Pants are always optional, but then again, so is sanity.

 

• If you’re not sure whether you’re crazy, just look at the people around you. If they’re all dead, chances are you’re nuts.

 

• Anything is possible. Donald Trump’s hair is proof of that.

 

• Baby oil: making bodybuilders shiny for decades.

 

• Love is all you need… unless you’re a meth addict.

 

• “A very profound work of fiction…. One of the very best horror stories I’ve read in a long time.” bit.ly/gRS4ko

 

• It’s a little too late to back out once the electrodes are attached to your nipples. That’ll teach you to boast.

 

• Lego is not supposed to go there. Stop it.

 

• Suffocating is just like breathing, only without the air.

 

• Some things don’t go according to plan; we can’t all be James T. Kirk, you know.

 

• Inspiration can come from anywhere, even from the gentle slapping sound a salmon makes against the cheek of an idiot.

 

 

• Barney the dinosaur is simply a ticking time bomb. You can only be purple for so long before true evil takes over.

 

• Don’t let the fact salami looks like a diseased horse penis put you off.

 

 

• Everything happens for a reason… except Lindsay Lohan.

 

• People call me angry. I hit them with a bat. People don’t call me angry.

 

• Every family has their issues. The Manson family, for instance….

 

• You don’t have mental problems; that would require a brain.

 

• I stepped up to the plate and broke the dinner table.

 

• Get scores of sores from Jersey Shores.

 

• Time heals all wounds… and some STDs.

 

• Don’t trust pink ducks, they have a hidden agenda.

 

• For generations mankind has been developing into a much more intelligent species… apart from the cast of Jersey Shore.

 

• That’s not a swimsuit model, it’s a goat in a bikini.

 

• The best ad for milk would be – “It comes from boobs”.

 

• And then Sesame Street descended into the Abyss, each Muppet becoming beyond demonic, until Elmo led them out to kill all mankind.

 

• Try not to think the worst when your neighbor who always argues with his wife asks to borrow your shovel.

 

• Sleep punches don’t count.

 

• Screwdrivers don’t work on plants.

 

• In case anyone asks, I am the lesser of two evils.

 

• It’s all fun and games until someone puts a landmine in your bed.

 

• It’s always nice when a serial killer decides not to kill you.

 

• Save your time, you won’t find naked photos of me with a dozen supermodels anywhere on the internet… dammit.

 

• An apology is just another way of admitting you were a dumbass.

 

• Sleep is overrated, unless you want to enjoy life.

 

• Smile and the world smiles with you… as long as you have teeth.

 

• The following Tweet has been rated… ah, who am I kidding?

 

• Crazy people are often friendly people… apart from when they’re trying to chew off your face.

 

• Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned… unless it’s a woman scorned with PMS, in which case you’re safer in a bathtub full of piranhas.

 

• There’s a thin line between physics and batshit crazy.

 

• Butter does not double as deodorant.

 

• Yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah explodingsheep yah yah yah yah yah yah yah

 

• Just in case you were wondering, I’m not Gandalf the Gray.

 

• We’ve all got secrets, just pray you don’t get one that needs an antibacterial cream.

 

• Pyromaniacs make great barbecues.

 

• My lightsaber needs fresh batteries.

 

• Don’t drive stakes into anyone’s heart by mistake… cars either.

 

• It’s hard to run away from home when you live in a camper-van.

 

• You really don’t wanna become known as the crazy lady who lives with her cats… especially if you have a penis.

 

• Burying the hatchet is easy; the challenge is cleaning up afterward.

 

• Don’t ever trim your pubes with a chainsaw.

 

• Violence doesn’t fix anything, especially cars.

 

• X marks the spot, that’s why kids need to learn the alphabet.

 

• Open flames combined with hairspray-laden tresses can easily become the best free show on YouTube.

 

• Wedding cakes are like the last meal given to those on death row.

 

• There are no guarantees in life, unless you’re made in Korea.

 

• It’s called a “hot date” because if it goes right you both end up sweaty.

 

• You can always tell the hero in the movie, he’s the one with the manicured eyebrows.

 

• Someday I’ll climb the highest mountain to touch the purest clouds as they blow by… or I’ll just stay at home and watch porn.

 

• It’s not magic; your pants are just too tight.

 

• Flower-growers are the next great bane of society.

 

• Some things just don’t make sense. Blueberry-flavored orangutans, for instance.

 

• A bird in the hand is worth $2.95.

 

• Being selfish is a bad idea. In fact, being any fish is kinda stupid.

 

• Never accept a lap dance from a Rancor.

 

• We all know of superstition, but is there just stition, and what makes it super?

 

• Reality never stopped spandex pants from being designed in extra large.

 

• Why do they say, “every corner of the globe”? Globes are round, they have no corners.

 

• Trust your instincts… except the really creepy ones.

 

• My financial planner cost me a fortune and all he told me was to not waste money on a financial planner.

 

• Don’t eat the furry bread.

 

• Remember back when bearded ladies were considered freaks?

 

• Your mother-in-law isn’t the Antichrist; some people like the Antichrist.

 

• It’s not the size of your gun, it’s how you use it. That’s why my gun is shaped like a giant penis.

 

• The tree fell in the woods because the bear crapped on it.

 

• It’s hard to say goodbye, unless it’s to gonorrhea.

 

• And in the grand scheme of things, polar bears still don’t care about your fear of clowns.

 

• With great power comes great responsibility… and super-hot groupies.

 

• Live life without regrets, except the one where you didn’t test to see if you could fly off the top of that building.

 

• Don’t think of it as an inappropriate erection, think of it as a physical version of a standing ovation.

 

• In case you were wondering, that dance you do isn’t sexy. Stop doing it and pull up your pants.

 

• Being in love is like hanging out with your best friend who has a body you want to do naughty things to.

 

• Chocolate might just be the opposite of cancer.

 

• The power of suggestion is an incredible thing, so take off your clothes.

 

• Genetics can only be blamed for so much; the rest comes down to cheeseburgers and pizza.

 

• It’s easy to stand out from the crowd; crazy people do it every day.

 

• My superpower is the ability to not give a crap.

 

• If only life was like it is in the movies… without the psychopaths and aliens.

 

• Aim high in life, and when looking for snipers.

 

• Fun should always come before work, especially in the dictionary.

 

• I only shave my head so I don’t need someone to hold my hair when I vomit.

 

• Apparently a lot of things are inappropriate. Somewhere there’s someone called Appropriate who’s getting really lucky.

 

• The most important thing in life is having someone who cares about you.That and an ice-skating polar bear.

 

• Don’t get into a staring contest with a mirror.

 

• Broken promises are immune to duct tape.

 

• I’m pretty sure Justin Bieber used to be carved from wood and went by the name, Pinocchio.

 

• Insomnia always hits me worst when I’m asleep.

 

• Sometimes I hate myself. Usually right after I punch myself in the face.

 

• Some people need professional help, and by professional I mean hookers.

 

• I have dizzy spells, usually after spinning around in a circle.

 

• My days are numbered. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7.

 

• Follow my Networked Blog, you know you want to: http://networkedblogs.com/blog/meandering_musings_of_a_mutated_mind/

 

• A problem is just a solution without a bullet in it yet.

 

• Clown shoes smell funny.

 

• Race car drivers should get silicone breast implants on their face. Safety first!

 

• Don’t go to a masquerade if you’re having an identity crisis.

 

• In case you’re wondering, I’m not your daddy.

 

• It saddens me when spammers stop putting effort into their annoying crap.

 

• Sensitive new-age guys are great! Their head makes a completely different sound when you bounce it off a table.

 

• Face your fears, unless it’s your face you fear, in which case it’s kinda hard to face it. Face a mirror, cupcake.

 

• Love hurts, especially when she’s got you by the balls.

 

• I don’t trust my gynecologist. He just looks at me like I’m an idiot, takes my money and tells me I’m fine. Bastard.

 

• How come older folk who can’t hear well want the music turned down, but youngsters with perfect hearing want it loud?

 

• I prefer to take the road less traveled, and by road I mean bed.

 

• Parents don’t have sex, they just make the noises in their room sometimes to gross you out.

 

• Remember boys, eyes on her face, don’t let them drop.

 

• Why do they say when something bad happens you’re screwed? I like getting screwed, it’s one of my favorite things in life.

 

• My spidey-sense is tingling…. Nope, sorry, my mistake. I just peed my pants again.

 

• Thank goodness for the internet. Without it I might have to actually get stuff done.

 

• Living in a bad neighborhood makes you look fantastic in comparison.

 

• You know you’re right; it’s physics that’s wrong.

 

• I’m a man of few words, and they are: food, sex, sleep.

 

• We have nothing to fear but fear itself… and face-sucking alien bacteria.

 

• Have you ever woken up and realized you’re only a cartoon character?

 

• Losing weight is even more important for people who live in small apartments.

 

• Don’t stare into the eye of a platypus. Trust me.

 

• Give yourself a standing ovation.

 

• Don’t pull faces, the people attached to them tend to get upset.

 

• I do all my daydreaming at night.

 

• Crying is good. It waters your genitals.

 

• Lima beans, the other white meat…. What the hell am I talking about?

 

• It’s okay to feel Bad. By the way, I’m changing my name to Bad.

 

• Don’t be afraid of the fact you’re surrounded by gas, it’s only oxygen.

 

• Always remember the tassels. Very important.

 

• Blah blah blah blah kittens blah blah blah blah blah.

 

• Gotta be careful what you touch when your orgy-house has a power blackout.

 

• Don’t eat anything that can return the favor.

 

• There is an eternal question: which came first, the balloon or the condom? My money’s on the dude with the condom.

 

• Freckles are mini tans.

 

• Did I mention how pretty you guys smell today? In a non-creepy, non-banjo-playing way of course.

 

• Kids are cute because if you knew what they turn out like you’d try to put them back where they came from.

 

• http://twitpic.com/4yu5py – Video trailer for THE DARK PATH.

 

• No need to be afraid of bees except the stings which come out their bums. Kinda unhygienic really. Hope they wipe first.

 

• Hedgehogs come with their own toothpicks so you can clean your teeth after eating them.

 

• Maybe Peter Griffin was right about everything.

 

• Everyone loves a gerbil, but some just love them a little too much.

 

• You don’t hear too many plastic surgeons saying beauty is on the inside unless they’re injecting your lips with butt fat.

 

• Damn you, llamas. Why do you need two stupid Ls? WHY???

 

• Beware of scratching oversensitive testicles, especially ones attached to strangers.

 

• You can’t get pick-pocketed if you only wear Speedo.

 

• There was a time every white guy wanted to be Vanilla Ice, then we all finished our lunch and realized that’d be stupid.

 

• Just because I won’t have sex with you doesn’t mean I don’t care.

 

• Go-Go Gadget bitchslap!

 

• Dumb comes in all colors, just like a rainbow.

 

• Just to clear things up, nothing matters except the important bits.

 

• Be prepared to do all your own cheerleading.

 

• That’s not a reflection, it’s your shadow. And you’re not black either.

 

• At some stage Tom Cruise will get seriously pissed off at Charlie Sheen challenging his role as Batshit-crazy King.

 

• Sometimes I think I’m going crazy, but then the voices in my head assure me I’m not.

 

• Am I alone in thinking the Death Star had a nipple?

 

• Sometimes you have to stop and wonder if Yoda was simply a moldy hobbit illusionist.

 

• Sorry, Mr. Illegal Immigrant Learning English, but COP isn’t short for COPULATION. Now stop humping that police officer.

 

• It’s always annoying when you get hit in the head by a low-flying Captain Jack Sparrow.

 

• Matadors are so named because bulls sometimes use them as a mat to wipe their feet on.

 

• In case of fire, break glass. The cut on your hand will distract you from your burning ass.

 

• Don’t bother ordering an idiot, there are plenty around already.

 

• Every now and then you just need to stop, look around and wonder what the hell you’re doing without pants.

 

• Fine art is just… fine.

 

• It’s not a hobby when people get killed.

 

• There is more to me than meets the eye, I smell great too.

 

• I flipped a coin and it flipped me the bird.

 

• A spark becomes a flame, a flame becomes a fire, a fire becomes a blaze and before you know it you’re getting medicine for an STD.

 

• Don’t think too hard, you’ll set off the smoke alarms.

 

• Just in case you’re wondering, you’re reading my Tweet.

 

• Promise me you won’t make any more promises.

 

• Some days I feel I could take on anything if only I could be bothered.

 

• “Till death do us part,” is not a challenge.

 

• I decided to stick it out, then I got arrested.

 

• You know Obi-Wan should have beaten Vader just like you know you’re a bit of a nerd.

 

• Let me dry your tears with sandpaper….

 

• Some days the sky just opens up and gives you the finger.

 

• Loving family is great, except when it’s illegal.

 

• Everything happens for a reason, even if it’s just to make the people around you laugh.

 

• We’re all only human… except that dude, but you don’t want what he’s got.

 

• The best things in life are someone else’s.

 

• Romance doesn’t die once you’re married, it escapes.

 

• You know you’ve got a weight problem when friends use you as an anchor for the boat.

 

• Gladiators rarely chose sporks for weapons.

 

• Line dancing does not involve cocaine.

 

• It’s okay to love farm animals; it’s NOT okay to love them that way, Jim-Bob.

 

 

• Krakatoa had nothing to do with crack or toes.

 

• It’s smart thinking to avoid giving someone another chance… to escape from the boot of your car.

 

• Stay away from the air-intake of running jet turbines… unless you’re an asshole, then by all means go for it.

 

• In this ever-changing world, it’s nice to know some things will never change. Like the fact Charlie Sheen is batshit crazy.

 

• A scarf if a great way to keep your neck warm… or attract sparkly vampires.

 

• They’re called crackpots because they tend to dribble a bit.

 

• A hoedown doesn’t have anything to do with clumsy prostitutes.

 

• If you don’t laugh at what people say about you it just makes them seem mean.

 

• Mr. T is now doing infomercials. I pity the fool.

 

• Your hydroponics don’t just grow drugs, they can also grow cows and purple ducks…. Actually, yeah, just drugs.

 

• The dancing style is called ‘flamenco’, not ‘flamingo’.

 

• When the full moon reflects upon the water, that’s when you need to beware of bipolar werewolves.

 

• Playboy back in the ’70s was much thicker due to the extra pubes.

 

• And then the cow jumped over the moon. Stupid steroid cow.

 

• The weirdest episode of Sesame Street was the one where the Count caught hepatitis from sucking on Pamela Anderson.

 

• What do atheists yell out during sex? Math and physics?

 

• I just tried my Jedi mind trick again. Apparently it still doesn’t work on myself.

 

• New theories claim Bin Laden was actually Darth Vader. I never said they were sane theories.

 

• Now Bin Laden’s gone, will John Rambo finally be able to come home?

 

• Decorating your lair with skulls doesn’t count if they’re pink.

 

• The writing is on the wall… and it says not to graffiti.

 

• Volcanoes are just planet pimples.

 

• You know you like sleeping when you have dreams about it.

 

• We’re all just one Photoshop effect away from being a supermodel.

 

• I don’t like to give away the story, but in the last Harry Potter movie, Ron Weasley gets a sex change.

 

• Duct tape couldn’t fix my flux capacitor. They lied to me.

 

• A step-brother should never be used as an actual step.

 

• Priests don’t like me. Must be the fact I burst into flames whenever I step into a church.

 

• If something’s out of your reach just swap limbs with someone who has longer arms.

 

• When opportunity knocks, don’t spray it in the face with mace.

 

• Be careful not to have fun wrong, you might break it.

 

• For all the nerds out there, there’s a big difference between role playing games and role playing. Stay safe out there.

 

• Never turn down a date with a girl called Karma Sutra.

 

• Pride goes before a fall. Unfortunately it’s not very cushioning.

 

• One day sex toys will come with 3D glasses.

 

• Looking around at some people, you gotta wonder which religion they pissed off in a previous life.

 

• Sex could always be better. Try it with a partner.

 

• Online bullying is becoming more prevalent the further away in time we get from The Muppet Show. Coincidence? I think not.

 

• Colonel Sanders is rumored to have taken control of Al Qaeda. He immediately declared jihad on McNuggets.

 

• Does anyone know yet who we’re supposed to hate now that Bin Laden is dead?

 

• It’s easy to get trapped in bad memories, but if you just imagine boobies were involved too it makes them not so bad.

 

• It’s easy to get your days confused. Just don’t get them confused with someone else’s pants, that could be embarrassing.

 

• THE DARK PATH’s popularity just keeps growing. Get your copy today! http://www.lukeromyn.com/purchase

 

• Money doesn’t make the world go round, it just pays for the cheese to feed the little mice running on the wheels that power the damn thing.

 

• Amnesia is the best excuse ever.

 

• Being half man/half horse must cost a fortune in shoeing.

 

• Just to clarify, I didn’t kill Bin-Laden.

 

• If they genetically cross-bred pit-bulls with grandmothers there’d be no problem, would there?

 

• In a physical confrontation, brains can easily defeat brawn, but only if you freeze them first and attach them to a big stick.

 

• Hugh Hefner is just like your grandfather, only surrounded by fake boobs.

 

• Never trust a burger with its own teeth.

 

• Someone, somewhere is currently getting circumcised. Bet your Sunday doesn’t suck so much now, huh?

 

• Political correctness seems a bit contradictory.

 

• It must really be annoying for penguins when they try to play Xbox.

 

• In the debate of science versus religion, I like to take the third option: bucket of KFC. Hard to argue with that.

 

• Whenever you do a typo, blame the Russians. If the Soviet Union hadn’t fallen chances were we wouldn’t have to worry about English.

 

• They talk about the Witching Hour, but is there a Naked Witching Hour? Hmm?

 

• Bathe in the blood of your enemies, but only because it’s really good for your skin.

 

• Some people think I’m angry, but they usually change their mind after I punch them really, really hard.

 

• You can tell yourself it doesn’t matter and you don’t care, but sooner or later that arrow in your head will begin to affect you.

 

• Whenever you stop believing in yourself, stick a knife in your thigh and the pain will remind you that you exist.

 

• Computers make everything faster – especially mistakes.

 

• I like to ascend downwards just to confuse people.

 

• Please don’t scare the Scientologists, they might release the flying Tom Cruise missiles.

 

• Chocolate and sex. The only other thing needed is sport on TV and then everyone’s happy.

 

• Annual “Stab Your Boss” day was a roaring success in regards to staff attendance.

 

• Danger is my middle name… or it would be if my middle name was Danger.

 

• Chloroform makes for a crappy aftershave.

 

• It’s such a shame you can’t live to see your own funeral.

 

• Some things in life are meant to be taken slow. Unfortunately your first time at sex usually doesn’t end up being one of them.

 

• Starfish make useless condoms.

 

• Stupid hobbit non-conformist sex parties just ain’t what they used to be.

 

• Remember back when nobody had to lock their doors? Yeah, I scored some awesome stuff in those days.

 

• Credit card scams are still a scam even if the person sounds like they have a nice smile.

 

• In amongst all the dangers of today’s world, it’s easy to have not noticed the most obvious: radioactive penguins.

 

• Some people just like to dress up in women’s clothing – women, for instance.

 

• Don’t be jealous just because if you owned that thing your penis would seem bigger.

 

• Nun-boobs: the final frontier.

 

• Eyelashes are the window-wipers of the soul.

 

• Some men are gladiators, others are gladiolas.

 

• You don’t have to be smart to be… you know… good… and stuff.

 

• Marsha Brady wanted me.

 

• Your family isn’t dysfunctional, it just needs a new service… and a couple of new parts.

 

• I’m not angry, I just hate being calm and rational.

 

• How do you know this isn’t a dream? You’d better punch yourself in the face to find out.

 

• Mr. and Mrs. Brady had sex too. Sorry to be the one to break it to you.

 

• Don’t touch yourself there, yes there, in front of the ladies gym. Stop it before they call the cops.

 

• Nostradamus predicted you would read this Tweet.

 

• Being on the fence with a decision is always more difficult when it’s topped with razor-wire.

 

• Nazi Barbie never really caught on.

 

• If cows eat green stuff and I eat cows, doesn’t that mean I’m also eating greens?

 

• Don’t wear your kilt upside down.

 

• Laughter rarely helps in times of small-penisness.

 

• Everyone’s good at something. Unfortunately for some that just means they’re good at doing things badly.

 

• You know someone’s really lazy when they couldn’t be bothered sweating.

 

• Do whatever you have to do… with the exception of farm animals.

 

• When in doubt, remember to disco.

 

• Most men are just boys in fatter, hairier and wrinklier bodies

 

• It’s always important to give a crap about… you know… stuff.

 

• Laughter is the best medicine… except against polio.

 

• When personal trainers say you need to feel the burn they don’t mean inside your chest.

 

• Crying would be less popular if tears were made of acid.

 

• Were there termites on Noah’s Ark?

 

• Chess is the thinking man’s game, and as such I think I don’t want to play it.

 

• It’s hard to find a decent freelance executioner these days.

 

• I almost never charge for sex anymore… at least with my wife.

 

• There’s nothing more embarrassing than breaking into a house during an orgy.

 

• Never ever slam dunk a bowling ball.

 

• Don’t let people get you down, just rest in the knowledge they’ll all die some day.

 

• You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family… unless you kidnap and brainwash strangers.

 

• Follow your dreams… except the naked ones in front of the class.

 

• The hills are alive with the sound of yetis.

 

• Your fluffy animals are writing cheques your Cabbage Patch Kid can’t match.

 

• Apparently chainsaws weren’t originally designed to hack up bodies. Who knew?

 

• Whispers in the night might mean many things, but whispers in the prison showers mean you should run.

 

• Just because that animal is cute doesn’t mean it won’t kill you. It is Australian, after all.

 

• One day I’ll finally come out of the closet and tell everyone I’m a lesbian.

 

• When everything else stops working, a man can always guarantee his penis will still try to get him in trouble.

 

• Try not to floss strangers’ teeth, despite the silent calling of potential cavities. And protect kittens.

 

• Dead hookers tend to ruin wedding photos.

 

• Some get peace of mind from giving a piece of their mind.

 

• If a thousand monkeys wrote at a thousand typewriters for a thousand years there’d be a helluva lot of poo to clean up.

 

• Don’t bite the bullet if it’s about to be fired.

 

• If anyone ever talks about a ‘physical anomaly’ that’s code for ‘You’re screwed’.

 

• That’s not a skeleton in my closet, it’s a corduroy suit. Much more terrifying.

 

• Don’t let people mess with your mind, they never put everything back where it’s supposed to be.

 

• Keep an eye on your big toe; it’s been talking about you behind your back.

 

• Vain is going up against Hell. Feel sorry for Hell. http://www.lukeromyn.com/the_dark_path_extract

 

• Sometimes you’ve just gotta wonder what mosquitoes contemplate while they’re sucking on you.

 

• Don’t trust a whistler, they’re out to rob your cat. Trust me, I’m a gynecologist, they teach us this stuff.

 

• CSI called. They still can’t figure out who stole your personality.

 

• Try not to use a cobra as a tie.

 

• You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it pronounce “flabbergasted”.

 

• How can we properly delve into the unknown if you screen your calls?

 

• There are very few X-rated florists left.

 

• Global warming could be worse; at least we’re not icebergs.

 

• Would Kevin Bacon have been so popular if his name was Kevin Snowcone?

 

• Clouds look down on everyone, not just you.

 

• Moses forgot the 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not play World of Warcraft on Laundry Day.

 

• Forever only lasts so long….

 

• 9 out of 10 mathematicians agree that pi is the tastiest number.

 

• You might be a bitch, but there’s no need to be a bitch about it.

 

• It’s not a miracle, it’s just silicone.

 

• I’m not getting older, the world around me is just getting younger.

 

• Apparently the dark side of the force seriously affected vocal chords. None of those guys could talk right.

 

• Recreational drugs should have a disclaimer to say you’ll probably dance like an idiot.

 

• In case you were wondering, I’m not Lord Voldemort, although we do use the same stylist.

 

• I might not be a winner, but I always come first.

 

• If you can’t be incredible, at least you can look damn good while trying.

 

• I attempted hip-hop, but all I could manage was a hip pop.

 

• It’s not a lost cause. It’s hiding in a cave.

 

• Look after fluffy bunnies lest they rise up and slaughter us all. It’s in the Bible, look it up.

 

• Just in case you were wondering, you’re beautiful.

 

• Everyone loves finger food, especially cannibals.

 

• My swimwear modeling career was tainted by a rogue escaped testicle.

 

• Does this font make my ass look fat?

 

• Gotta love feeling a baby’s kick through a woman’s belly. It works much better if you ask the mother, though. And know her.

 

• It’s not that I hate you, I just love you in reverse.

 

• Always make sure your body-bag matches your shoes and belt.

 

• You know it’s going to be a bad day when you wake up wearing a stranger.

 

• Clark Kent never had these damn problems.

 

• Jump, I’ll catch you… later.

 

 

 

 

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