Communication Breakdown
Men do many things differently to women, but none so much as when they talk. Though many men may grunt and point in order to articulate what they want to get across, it is still a direct comment as opposed to the positively labyrinthian course that must be pursued in order to understand what a woman means.
When a man says, “I want sex,” he means, “I want sex.”
But when a woman says, “I want sex,” what she really means is, “I want you to take me out, woo me, buy me gifts, before I dangle the possibility of sex over your head for a few days and then tell you I’m not in the mood.” Either that or she means, “Take out the garbage, it stinks,” or, “Pass me that magazine?” or, “What’s on TV in three weeks?” Or, and this is a true rarity, it might mean, “I want sex.”
When a man says, “What do you want for dinner?” he means, “What do you want for dinner?”
But when a woman says, “What do you want for dinner?” she means, “I want you to decide on something which I won’t like but still won’t know what I want until you, by some ridiculous chance or meticulous method of deduction, finally manage to guess.”
When a man says, “I’m going out for drinks with my buddies,” what he means is, “I’m going out for drinks with my buddies.”
But when a woman says, “Have fun,” what she means is, “You are such a selfish asshole.”
When a man says, “Everything’s fine,” what he means is, “Everything’s fine.”
But when a woman says, “Everything’s fine,” what she means is, “Of course everything isn’t fine! How could you be such an insensitive bastard? Don’t you know what day this is? This is the anniversary of the day I cooked spaghetti for you when we first got together. Sure, it was only tinned spaghetti, but it was the thought that counted and you are a complete and utter asshole for not remembering. I always knew I should have become a lesbian when Susan offered all those years ago, but I thought there was some sort of hope for you. I was such a fool. I wonder if she’s still single….”
And finally, when a man says, “I love you,” what he means is, “I love you.” (Granted there are exceptions to this rule, but those guys aren’t really men so we won’t count them for this exercise.)
But when a woman says, “I love you,” what she means is, “You’d better.”
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Topics: Humor | 14 Comments »
Things to do in a Hurricane.
We all know Hurricane Irene is playing havoc, but remember there’s plenty to do during a storm.
Get out and take a stroll:
Pretend to be Mary Poppins or just play on the swings at the park:
Do some gardening:
Take your boat out for a nice, relaxing day:
Or even go for a cruise:
But probably try to avoid the fishing:
Remember to stock up on supplies:
And then go get a lap dance to relax:
Or simply have a coffee to forget all about it:
If you go out, make sure you take an umbrella:
Probably best not to go surfing:
Check the news and weather:
But no matter what, remember to smile:
*
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People Fail
It’s not nice to find humor in other people’s failures. Your challenge is to watch these videos without laughing. Good luck!
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Michael Bolton made me laugh. What the…?
I just had to share this video with you all. If, like me, you remember Michael Bolton and his whining warbling from the early 90s, you’ll truly appreciate this combination of him taking the piss out of himself and the awesome references to the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. Enjoy.
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Step into humanity… eww.
The human genetic makeup is an incredible thing. Incredible… and terrifying. Words can hardly begin to describe the potential oddities and diversities contained within the greatest biological creatures on this planet.
And for that you should smile:
Try not to be angry:
Strike a pose:
Don’t be confused:
Listen to some music:
Put on some makeup:
Get dressed up:
Put on your dancing shoes:
And celebrate humanity:
YEP. WE’RE WONDERFUL ALRIGHT.
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Power Of The Pussy
All I can say is it’s lucky these guys always land on their feet!
Well… maybe not always. 
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Haircuts
Haircuts are something we, as humans, have become accustomed to and often take for granted. But there are those out there for whom this isn’t the case, a select group of people who throw off the chains of conformity and stretch the boundaries of what is considered ‘normal’.
From an early age, none of us are immune to the snip:
During the early stages of social development those who will one day eventuate into the non-conformists of society will begin to display tendencies towards slightly odd hair designs, often in forms which seem normal or even cute for children:
Some grow out of these tendencies and it is disregarded as simply a phase of early learning, but for others they continue their odd behavior well into their teens and early adulthood, often with truly terrifying results. You may want to block your eyes:
Words cannot begin to describe the horror.
Nor is it merely males who display such erratic behavior:
Mrs Cleaver must be turning over in her grave.
And then there are the images where no definitive sex can be determined:
Beyond these, what I have termed ‘the formative years’, the hair insanity begins to take on more structure, but no less craziness. Beware, some of the following images may NOT be suitable for young children or old people with bladder problems. Please get them to leave the room or double-up on their diapers before continuing. The children should simply be removed.
Some of these stylists try to blend in with normal society:
Some step into a life of crime:
If you look closely at these two inmates you can see their subtle use of styling to differentiate themselves from other criminals.
Whereas others may be inconspicuous unless napping:
This hairstyling epidemic seems not merely limited to craniums either:
I know these images aren’t easy to view, folks, but it is for the betterment of all mankind. Stay strong. Hold a comb in your hand if you feel you can’t go on. Trust me, it helps.
Some may try to disguise their addiction as fashion. Here are some of the more obvious designs:
But many fall drastically short:
But one thing is known for certain. The ultimate mastermind behind this devastating cult-like epidemic is a man more terrifying than any to come before him. Mussolini, Hitler, Stalin, Nemo, Hussein and Bin Ladin all pale in comparison to this Maestro of Mousse:
You have been warned….
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Ninjas
Ninjas can be anywhere, at any time. You need to beware and stay on your guard lest you fall prey to their malicious machinations, and the only way to do that is to be well informed. Luckily for you I’m here to help. I studied under the Ninja Grand Master, Havnoclu, and through his tutelage can now identify many of the traits which may elude the more ignorant mindset.
Training to become a ninja starts out at a very young age:
But soon acolytes begin to display obvious signs of their training:
And before you know it, they are displaying incredible feats of skill beyond those of normal youngsters:
Pets of these children might also begin to show signs of the kid’s advanced skills as they play with them in the ninja fashion:
Do not make the mistake of thinking your daughter is safe from becoming a ninja either. Before you know it her after-school karate classes for fun:
Might lead her into a life of assassination:
Ninjas live on a very strict diet, high in complex carbohydrates for energy:
But sometimes ninjas become confused and take dieting too far:
Or not far enough:
But ninjas always attract the babes:
Costumes may vary according to the situation. Sometimes ninjas need to disguise themselves as popular super heroes:
Or even on stage at sporting events:
And sometimes they even have to perform their duties in broad daylight:
There are many imitators out there:
But very few of the real thing:
Just remember, in the end, if a ninja is after you, chances are this is all you’ll see:
Good luck!
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Puppies
There’s a reason puppies are so damn cute, it’s so we don’t eat them. Seriously. I mean, if you were out in a frozen wasteland with only an empty rucksack and one of the puppies pictured above, chances are you’re about to find out what your backpack tastes like.
Now if your canine companion looked like this:
you’d be going to sleep with something in your belly that night.
But my post isn’t about the ugly ones, it’s about the ones that make girls go, “Aw, how cute,” and the guys with them cringe, knowing chances are they’ll soon have another pet to feed. Remember guys, pit-bull pups start out cute too:
Yes, puppies catch your eye and their every clumsy movement tugs at the toughest heartstrings in ways designed to melt every heart and bring a smile to the stoutest of features… the little bastards.
Don’t be fooled, it’s all a conspiracy to get you to lower your guard and then your precious little baby will crap in your favorite shoes, chew on your very expensive remote control, terrorize your house with yapping until they no longer look like this:
They start to look more like this:
Yep. I guarantee that after a week of stepping in crap and waking up at all hours to a howling puppy, in your mind’s eye it’ll start seeming like the above picture, but that’s okay. All of it is okay. You know why?
Because its next look after you stop yelling will be this one:
Dammit!
Little bastards.
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This man was in charge of nuclear weapons?
I don’t get involved in politics, but I have no problem laughing at idiots.
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