My Nemesis Is My Soul.

By on December 31, 2011

It escapes me, frustrates me. I want it, crave it, but it always flees. It is my nemesis and my ally, an antithesis of all I am and yet still a mirror. A contradiction of my soul.

I demand from it with questions, yet know they will go unanswered. What is my purpose; why am I here; how can I make it better?

Go to Hell.

Why am I beleaguered by such torments? Why, when my nature screams out for something else completely? Do I have no choice in this venture? No choice… or no chance?

I thrust forward laughter but my heart grows tired, exhausted by the daily toils of all it must face. Part of me knows this is a fool’s quest, and yet I go on, forever forward, determined not to fall as so many others have before me.

There is something within me that can win, but it knows not how. It fights all adversaries, but fails to move forward, grows weary in its stagnancy. Within time a pale wind will fell it, no longer strong enough to raise a defense. I fear this time.

Fear brings strength, however; strength to fight, to refute the unavoidable.

But is it so unavoidable? Why can I not win? Am I not the same man I once was? The poet warrior staring down all adversity, all negativity, all logic which screamed what I have already achieved was impossible?

I am he. The eye of the maelstrom, the mirror within a mirror, battling more within myself than ever without.

There is one course, one way through the canyon of failure which beckons me. Beyond the path of shattered dreams lies more pain, more heartache then ever realized, and yet it still remains beauteous and irresistible. For to have one I need the other, there is no option.

To reach the dream I must become the nightmare, drawing all I fear into me like embracing poison. Pain teaches more than happiness, and I have learned well, but am still a novice.

Cry not for dreams unrealized, cry for dreams never attempted.

 

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3 Responses to “My Nemesis Is My Soul.”

  1. WOW. Just…WOW. I’ve been trying to find the words to express how weary 2011 has left me; how all I’ve done is try to reach my goals; how, even though I’m just beginning to realise some of them, I am tired from the journey, on the brink of disenchantment. Then I read this blog post, and it’s as though you have summoned the words from the depths of my soul – words I could not find or speak – and expressed my feelings precisely. I will post links to this page EVERYWHERE. I’ll read it whenever I need to remember that no matter how loathsome the battle can be, I will never stop fighting for my desired outcome. It’s the air in my lungs – what drives me forward in all that I do. I can’t thank you enough for this. I believe I was meant to read this. I hope 2012 is a good one for you.

  2. Elaine- says:

    wow Lukey, you sound like a Christian haha, or a Christian to be at least…

  3. Oh, Poet Warrior – march on! You inspire us all.

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